License to Bitch

By Amie May

Is anyone besides me sick and tired of hearing people say to stop expressing being sick and tired? If you are not comfortable with hearing it, feel free to let me know. If you are pretending to be a listening ear while all the while internalizing more and more resentment - "please". That is the consequence of your pretending because it would be easy enough for me to call someone open if I am having some sort of momentary emotional overflowage.

I know that there are some people who see negative in everything - who actually look for negative things. Does the way that they choose to see things negate that you and I can have bad days and feel better after talking about it?

Do you remember the day when the feminine show of emotion was used as evidence that female is the weaker sex? And, how females who were typically more open with feelings meant that they (we) were actually experiencing more stress and therefore were more sensitive across the board? Ok, well that belief is still alive and well in some circles today just as much as it is (thankfully) becoming a thing of the past in others.

The question of why women live longer than men has been studied since people learned that was true. Regardless of what is read in books, most women will tell you that they experience stress relief when they call one another to get things off their (our) chest. One need not look far for confirmation on the physical effects of mental stress.

Can complaining lead to more complaining? Sure! If that were the case, certainly we won't invalidate a friend's feelings, but we will let them know when it's getting extreme. At some point if they just want to hate life, we have the choice as to whether we want to hang out with someone who just wants to hate life - and generally we'll let them know that we're confronted with that choice. However, if she is hating that she is going to miss that promotion because there is no one available to take care of the kids at a prime moment, we can relate!

Empathy, validation, and confirmation go a long way in strengthening our relationships with one another and in lessening the stresses that we are internalizing just by living.

One meaning of "bitch" is "a female dog" and from there it has to do with the attributing characteristics of a female dog onto female human beings. To "be" a bitch, one need to be a hateful, lewd, female. That female stigma is lessening, but dictionaries still associate it at least with the personification (being a bitch), though not so much with the action (bitching). Generally, bitching (the action) is seen in a negative light more so even than the synonym "complain".

Some other negatively charged words associated with complaining are "whining", "sniveling", "moaning", and "griping". It's amazing how often that negativity attached to those words have been used to invalidate very real feelings.

In some cases there may be some subtle differences in the meaning of those words. Differences so subtle, that the negative experience of one is associated with the other. For example, in a recent conversation with my ten year old daughter and her friend, I learned one way of seeing "whining" differently than "complaining". The girls confessed that though they might voice disappointment say, in going some place to eat that they aren't especially fond of, that to continue beyond when they know that they've been heard is an attempt to "get what we want". They shared that from their point of view, that is the moment when a "complaint" becomes a "whine". Often the differences that many children recognize in themselves, are forgotten or ignored with age and many adults experience any expression of disappointment as an, often futile, attempt at control. The girls and I know, that's just not the case.

So shall we not share with others when we are feeling physical pain? Shall we not express emotional pain? To suppress a feeling is to be aware that we are feeling it, and refuse to acknowledge it. Repression is a bit deeper because suppression becomes habit, so awareness of what we are feeling is lost. While every moment isn't the right moment for self expression, the consequences for not doing it at all is what comes of living with emotions that resulted from unresolved and undealt with issues. We carry that additional burden, it stresses our bodies, and the things we internalize continue to influence us and effect our lives.

In some relationships, we know already that a person is generally open for listening, but taking that for granted can sometimes cause problems. We all have our bad days. If I am dealing with a situation with my daughter, right that moment is not a convenient time for me to listen and I won't be open to it.

So, there are boundaries and there also are some almost unwritten rules concerning relationships and expressing pain, sorrow, disapproval, injustice, grief, and/or resentment. None of those point to not complaining and expressing it at all. Rather, they point to limits. I find it interesting that many people that I speak with see sharing the good and the bad with one another as a source of emotional support and relief while they poo-poo complaining. So they do it, see the benefit in doing it, but don't approve.

What exactly does halting complaining accomplish? Well, if someone has a negative attitude it sure doesn't do a thing to change that attitude, does it? I mean, if they are habitually complaining, trying to stop the habit can bring to their attention just how often they are using that type of thinking. That's because they become conscious and aware of what they are doing which results from how they are thinking and feeling. That can help them to become more aware of what they are thinking and feeling therefore.

The response to stopping the habit of complaining isn't always reflective however. At times, it is righteous. Each time they are able to stop a complaint coming out, they have proven themselves better - whatever the better is that they are trying to be. They play-act and the connection to their heart and mind is never made. They are now "behaving" as they feel they should, and that is all that matters.

If I suffer with a physical ailment, does not complaining make it go away? (No.) I can behave as if it weren't there, but that doesn't change the reality of the pain, and it doesn't change that I have to limp or however I live that infimity out. When it comes to emotions, behaving as if they were not there does not change the reality of them being there, but it does effect how that is lived out. When I am feeling emotional pain, like saddness, and I pretend that I am happy and live as if it were true that I am happy, I have suppressed my saddness and it turns to burden. It weighs on me as in a depression.

I see so often in the religious world that when authentic emotions creep up, they are viewed as in opposition to God. Because how they are behaving is reflective of their view of God and how they should be, while what they feel inside is no where like that. Their own heart, the seat of their emotion according to their own beliefs, is transformed into something to war against. Learning right behavior, and how to correct wrong behavior, is used as a means for them to define themselves, but that is often a false self and not resembling all of the discarded parts of themselves inside.

Is it unGodly, juvenile, or lacking compassion to voice that you are not ready to accept that the car didn't start? Maybe. Maybe fighting to swallow reality is the journey toward acceptance and is compassionate, mature, and Godly. Processing a sucky reality can be a challenge, and expressing the feelings that we are actually experiencing can be part of that process. Maybe once I've chilled out some, I can think clearly enough to tend to the situation. Complaining by far doesn't solve anything, but it can enable someone to solve it themselves.

Does the simple expression of anger get rid of anger itself? I would first ask why someone would be looking to alleviate anger, but the answer is "Of course not!" Something there caused the anger. What is the source? Can the problem be solved? Is there a problem at all? Once clear thinking is available, there are a lot of avenues to explore.

There are definitely destructive expressions of anger. Road rage is a great example. That is visiting again limitation and determining what is destructive and what is constructive has to do with learning from the results of our actions. What is the result of road rage besides deaths, frightened people, unforgiveness, and the like? So what could we do with our anger in that situation that would be constructive for us?

Then there are even bottomless expressions of anger where those avenues are not taken and no effort at addressing the underneath is made. Perhaps it is buried again because once again it is not a behavior that we approve of. We change our behavior and bury the emotion.

Or maybe we vent and vent and vent and never do a thing to address the issue at cause. It is possible to become dependent on the behavior to gain some quick relief from something like an overlfow of anger. For as long as the cause is denied and neglected, anger can quickly become rage.

If someone were already living a role - trying to be Godly, mature, compassionate, a good wife, a good mom, etc - displeasure might be expressed when life isn't supportive of that role. So now there's the experience of frustration about that in effort at keeping the even deeper frustrations buried.

Verbally complaining can help to put feelings and thoughts into perspective. Just saying out loud that I would like my six year old to behave more like an adult can show me how silly that sort of expectation would be for example.  A friend more than likely would be laughing with me at that point. While you might realize silly expectations, a different perspective is readily available - or the least the expression of someone outside of yourself loving you through your mistakes and as you process life. It does not have to be a need, to be a support.

"Life's a bitch" is a popular saying because so many people can relate to it. It isn't that way for every person, all of the time but I would venture to say that it is that way for every person, some of the time. Wanna talk about it? Seriously, does feeling temporary bouts of irritation, aggrevation, anger, disguist, saddness, or pain mean that we are not thankful for the things that we are happy about? Does it even mean that we are not normally happy with what might presently be irritating us? Do there have to be rules? Since when do I have to be grateful anyway? No feeling is less important, so why the discrimination? Why all of the stories about what sharing them means? Why is just talking about dissatisfaction often seen as dumping crap on someone? Since when is any feeling "crap"? I just don't think it is, so I decided to bitch about it.

How is your life? Is the economy affecting you? Are you struggling in a relationship? Are you in pain? I invite you to share freely below. You've got license.